Ember Laura-Ellen Waving

Ember Laura-Ellen Waving
Waving to mommy and daddy at 13 weeks

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

3rd Valentine's Day

   Sweet Little Valentine,

  Today was your third Valentine's Day, and the second since you died. Two years ago today your daddy and I  got married in the botanical gardens. You where there with us already, we didn't yet know you where Ember but you where there. I called you our sweet little Valentine. I dreamed of the next year, when I could dress you up and give you cuddles and just couldn't wait. Instead, what was supposed to be your first Valentine's Day earthside, we where just missing you.

And that's where we still are- just missing you. Every. breathe. I. take, I am missing you. Every step I take, I am missing you. You baby girl are never apart from me.

Today I held a newborn girl. The first newborn I've held besides your baby brother since you. The first female baby I've held since you. I swore I never would again, but she was crying and everyone's hands where full..... she had dark-hair and nuzzled in when I picked her up. Your brother was less than thrilled. It was one of the most bittersweet physical moments in a long time. The sweetness of that beautiful baby girl who needed comfort while her mom couldn't hold her. The bitterness of having never seen your blue eyes, felt you cuddle back when I held you, never hearing your kitten-ish new baby cry....

I was lucky that just before this I had a chance to connect with an angel/rainbow mommy friend just before this. I'm venturing out into the IRL mommy circles more. And with mommies comes babies, toddlers, big kids.... and around half are girls. Newborn girls like you, toddler girls as you should be, big girls like you'll never be. I do my best to not compare your brother to other children, to let him be his own self only. But you, I compare you to every female child I see. Would you have looked like that? Would you done that by that age? Would you like wearing that? Would you talk like that? Constantly, questions like this hum under the surface..... It's so ingrained in me now that I don't realize I'm doing it or pay much attention to it. I'll never have the answers and I know that. Your story ended but ours keeps on going. You'll always be part of us though.

Happy Valentine's Day Ember, oh how I wish I could see your face today and every day.