Ember Laura-Ellen Waving

Ember Laura-Ellen Waving
Waving to mommy and daddy at 13 weeks

Tuesday, January 31, 2012

It's Been So Long

Hey Sweet Baby Girl,

It's been so long since I've written to you. I'm so sorry for that. It's not that you aren't in my thoughts. Never has a day passed without me thinking of you, never will one. I tell your baby brother about you often. He likes to look at your pictures and cuddle your MollyBear. Your second Christmas seemed even harder than the first. You got two pink cloth flowers from your daddy and me. Nana got you an angel bear. You got ornaments for us, Nana and friends too. I wish you'd gotten lots of toys and new clothes and lots of big wrapped presents to tear open. We bought most of your brother's presents online to avoid bringing him out.... and I had to look for presents we could have given to you. You'd be almost nineteen months old. Wow. We took your Molly Bear with us to see Santa. We told Santa about you and he held your bear with your brother. He plays with your toys, snuggles in your blankets. I hope you don't mind sharing. If you where here, he'd get your hand-me-downs. These are the only things ya'll can share. He wears some of your clothes too... but he's a big boy now and he's quickly out-growing most of what we bought for you. Most of your clothes where 9months or smaller... We thought we'd buy more as you grew.... We made butterfly ornaments for you, and your daddy made you an ornament himself too.

Some people worry that he's having to grow up in your shadow. Nothing could be less true. Losing you and missing you just make him shine even more. I know exactly how precious he is.... because I know how precious you where and how that wasn't enough to save you. Watching him grow is making me imagine your babyhood again. Once again, though you'd be fourteen months older than him, I'm imaging what you would have been like as a newborn, as a four month old, as a five month old... Wondering when you would have rolled over, when you're first tooth would have came. When you would have sat up, if you would have liked the swing. Which toy would have been your favorite, would you have had colic? An ear infection? Would be so chubby like he is? Would your eyes have stayed blue too? Would you have been a mama's girl? Would you have started chattering so early? What would you have thought of baths? Where would you have wanted to sleep? Would you like car rides?

Oh baby girl, everything he does gives me more unanswerable questions about you. I hug him tighter for it. He's not just my rainbow- he's your rainbow too. One child can't fill your arms when there's supposed to be two.