Ember Laura-Ellen Waving

Ember Laura-Ellen Waving
Waving to mommy and daddy at 13 weeks

Friday, November 11, 2011

From Friends With Love

Pictures made for her, often on special days. Balloons and lanterns released. This is just a small selection of some the love that's been shown to my girl. These are all from women I've never met, not even once. Most of whom I've never heard their voice. They've been more like family to me in sixteen months than alot of my own blood relatives. When NO relative mentions Ember on her birthday, or for months at a time, or EVER, they do all the time. No special day is she ever over-looked by them. Will Ember be included in the holidays this winter by anyone who's DNA she shared besides me? I don't know. I hope so. I want to decorate in pink and green, to buy a few ornaments for her, donate memory boxes, send out cards and some other ideas.... I hope my family will join me in this. But even if they don't, I know the friends Ember brought me will be thinking of her along with me.

Online friends can be the most amazing community. If I ever get to do a roadtrip, I'm going to be stopping for coffee in so many towns ;). I'm so grateful for my angel-mommy friends, and for the time we live that let's connect with people all over.

Angel Ornament Swaps

         Last year, Ember's first Christmas, I heard about an ornament swap for angel moms, but not in time to join in. And apparently I missed the Mother's Day one too. Which is sad because my first Mother's day without Ember was horrible, and ignored. But a friend on Facebook shared the page for this year's swap and with a week left to sign up too!


I REALLY encourage all angel moms, dads, grandparents and more to go check it out. It's handmade ornaments made with love for your angel by another angel mom (or dad, etc). It's international, so no matter where you are you can join. But you must sign up by Nov. 18th.

Well, it inspired me to organize similar swaps in two private angel mommy groups as well. After the loss of a child, moms often feel more alone than they ever imaged they could. It goes on forever it seems, we're cut apart from "normal" society. Community and other "baby loss mamas" become so important. In the sixteen months since Em died, angel mom friends (almost exclusively met on Facebook) have been my lifeline. They understand how I want to include Em in everything, because they want the same things.

Sunday, November 6, 2011

Memory Boxes for Babies Born Still?

 I've been in a weird period of grieving, especially since the arrival of Ember's rainbow little brother two months ago. It feels like Ember is RIGHT THERE, just out of reach, just out of sight whereas before she always seemed way too far away to even imagine being able to hold her again. And I see her when her brother sleeps. God, does he look like her then. Does he look like her when he's awake? I wonder this often, is that how she looked when she smiled? But I don't know. At birth, he was two pounds heavier than her though not even an inch longer. He had two more weeks to grow though. He had longer hair than her, and not quite as dark. The cheeks, the nose, the wrinkly forehead.... the whole face really is so very alike. I think his ears are different, but hers where folded at birth, I never saw them as they would have been. His eyes are still blue, but not bright like their daddy's, a grey-blue instead that's lovely and I hope will stay. One of my deepest pains is never having seen my daughter's eyes. Would Ember's eyes like her brothers? Would she have laughed like him? Every milestone with him, I carry her along. Now she lives on, not just in my heart but in her brother.

  We've moved back to my hometown. My rainbow was born at the hospital I was born at, the third generation of my family to be born there. I've been longing to make and donate memory boxes since not long after Ember died, because hers was and is so important to me. I could NOT imagine going back to the hospital where Ember was born though even to give something for comforting others. I was forced to go back to Ember's birthplace twice after her death- once to receive her autopsy results and the second time for a high-level ultrasound of her brother's heart and another genetics appointment. I choose a different care-giver and hospital for him, but when some complications came up, they wanted "the best around" to check it out. It was agonizing and though they where very nice the last time, I am so relieved to know I never have to go back again. But now, I could give them to Caden's hospital instead. I really, really want to do this but just aren't quite sure how. I want this to be Ember's Christmas present, so I need to figure it quickly.

I know the hospital I wish to give them too (Woman's in Baton Rouge), and I'm going to email them to see what comfort programs they have already. And I know some of things I specifically want to include, like Earth Mama Angel Baby's "no more milk tea", candle and seeds of hope.... We'll do at least one ourselves... but I wonder if other people would want to help? If Ember hadn't died, this would her second Christmas and she would have gotten presents from family. This is a way to celebrate for her now.