Missing my sweet baby girl so much. Nothing new, but every day, the pain is amazing.
It's been eight months and ten days since Ember was born.
Really???? Totally impossible.
It's getting so very sickeningly close to the Ember's ninth month "birth day". Ember died at nine months and one week. Getting so close to her being gone longer than she lived at all, and that is beyond horrifying. And then within a blink of my eye, she will have been dead longer than she lived. We've already passed the date where she'd be gone longer than we knew we where having a baby, that was like being stoned and beaten.
And then her first birthday, less than four months away. No party, no cake, no dark haired toddler growing up. Time just keeps going on, "long after the thrill of living is gone".
Eight months old means crawling, sitting up, trying to pull themselves up.... but not for my Ember. For her, eight months means eight months of tears and longing to be with her again. Eight months since we thought we where leaving for the last time as two, and would be coming back as three, since we held her, since we lost her.
Some many times, I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to pour my brokenness onto a page, but the words have already been said. Not a day passes where missing her doesn't threaten to swallow me, not a night without yearning to hold her just once more, forever, so deeply that I feel there is nothing else of me. Everything comes back to Ember. Every conversation reminds me of her in some way, though I mostly keep these thoughts to myself. Never do I see a picture of a baby, or little toddler girl without comparing them to my own girl. Still can't make myself look at pictures of my nephew (in-law)'s baby girl, who was born a few months before Em, or pictures of my sweetest big cousin's baby girl born seven months after Em, and stranger's babies? Forget it.
I've submitted Ember's picture, of her sweet little feet, to a group making 2012 calenders to sell to earn money for March of Dimes. And a piece of blankie bought for Ember by her nana (my mom) to an Irish group making a patchwork quilt in memory of angel babies. They hope it will be finished by October. The quilt, and a book to go with it will tour Britain for lectures and other awareness projects. And copies of the book will be made available to buy, with the proceeds going to a few different groups. Little ways her memory will live on outside of my heart.
Giving her footie pictures to the calender is the first time I've really shared any of her pictures. And I can't wait till the calenders come out, I'll be buying a few to save. I've decided to share one of them on here as well, though I never have because it's a public blog. I'm nervous, but I want to show it off. My baby girl was beautiful from head to toe, and her toes where quite adorable, her feet so long.