Ember Laura-Ellen Waving

Ember Laura-Ellen Waving
Waving to mommy and daddy at 13 weeks

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Missing My Sweet Baby Girl

Missing my sweet baby girl so much. Nothing new, but every day, the pain is amazing.

It's been eight months and ten days since Ember was born.

Really???? Totally impossible.

It's getting so very sickeningly close to the Ember's ninth month "birth day". Ember died at nine months and one week. Getting so close to her being gone longer than she lived at all, and that is beyond horrifying. And then within a blink of my eye, she will have been dead longer than she lived. We've already passed the date where she'd be gone longer than we knew we where having a baby, that was like being stoned and beaten.

And then her first birthday, less than four months away. No party, no cake, no dark haired toddler growing up. Time just keeps going on, "long after the thrill of living is gone".

Eight months old means crawling, sitting up, trying to pull themselves up.... but not for my Ember. For her, eight months means eight months of tears and longing to be with her again. Eight months since we thought we where leaving for the last time as two, and would be coming back as three, since we held her, since we lost her.

Some many times, I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to pour my brokenness onto a page, but the words have already been said. Not a day passes where missing her doesn't threaten to swallow me, not a night without yearning to hold her just once more, forever, so deeply that I feel there is nothing else of me. Everything comes back to Ember. Every conversation reminds me of her in some way, though I mostly keep these thoughts to myself. Never do I see a picture of a baby, or little toddler girl without comparing them to my own girl. Still can't make myself look at pictures of my nephew (in-law)'s baby girl, who was born a few months before Em, or pictures of my sweetest big cousin's baby girl born seven months after Em, and stranger's babies? Forget it.

I've submitted Ember's picture, of her sweet little feet, to a group making 2012 calenders to sell to earn money for March of Dimes. And a piece of blankie bought for Ember by her nana (my mom) to an Irish group making a patchwork quilt in memory of angel babies. They hope it will be finished by October. The quilt, and a book to go with it will tour Britain for lectures and other awareness projects. And copies of the book will be made available to buy, with the proceeds going to a few different groups. Little ways her memory will live on outside of my heart.  

Giving her footie pictures to the calender is the first time I've really shared any of her pictures. And I can't wait till the calenders come out, I'll be buying a few to save. I've decided to share one of them on here as well, though I never have because it's a public blog. I'm nervous, but I want to show it off. My baby girl was beautiful from head to toe, and her toes where quite adorable, her feet so long.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

A Little Bit of Self-Realization

When I was almost eight months pregnant, my mother and I went on a shopping spree for Ember. One of the many things we bought was her baby book. It took awhile to pick one, there where bright ones, animal covered ones, retro ones.... But we decided on the most perfect one. It's pale pink and looked classic to me. I'd started keeping little notes for her book months earlier, and kept doing it so that after she was born, I could fill in a good chunk of it at once. 

It was only a few days after her birth and death that I went through this book to take out the pages for birthdays, newborn check-ups, all the pages Ember would never fill. Thank god we'd chosen a binder style book that let me do this without ripping them out because at the time I probably would have shredded it. Then I started trying to fill in those pages we'd had her with us long enough to make the memories for. Pregnancy, labor, birth... The beginning of the book. 

Fast forward seven months. Not even half of the pages left are completely filled in, and only a couple of the pictures I want to put in are there. I've sat down with it and the notes, the journal I kept for her, the pictures, over a dozen times. Just couldn't ever make myself complete it. It gave me so much guilt and kept me up many nights wondering why I couldn't do it. 

The reason I've been procrastinating seems obvious now that it's smacked me in the face. 

Once I complete Ember’s baby book… it will be finished. Once I write the final line about her birth, it’s over. Closing the book on my child’s life.

Somehow understanding this is more painful than the wondering and the guilt.